Looking and Seeing

A few nights ago I was reading an astronomy website for kids which had a special section about studying the moon entitled, "The Difference Between Looking and Seeing." I'm thinking about this a lot now whenever I look out my window at night. It helps, too, that the earth is in its proper rotation for the fall, and now, the view isnt just tall buildings and bare night sky. Now, staring out at nothing and having it stare right back at me, like one of those awful prop windows on a set of Our Town, is the way its been. It's just as spooky with the lights off, I assure you, but also pretty nice, too. If you've looked moonward lately you probably know why: lying still and waiting for sleep while the light worms and wriggles across carpet.

Some other things of note:

A picture of a pretty nice pair of arms.

Tofu Omelettes are delicious. Especially from the Berkeley Farmer's Market.

From an online biography about D. Wordsworth: With her brother Dorothy occasionally played a curious game - they lay down next to each other outdoors, pretending to be in their graves.

The Birds And The Bees

At nine am, more awake than could have been expected and listening to an archived radio show online about a man who performs what he calls interspecies duets with birds and a woman who fell in love with bees. The latter tells the host the sort of things that maybe only a person in love with bees would know, about how they were once used in warfare (hives hurled via catapults over castle walls) and how beekeepers eventually build up a resistence to bee venom. There's something I really like about the tone of her voice when she says that for right now the stings still hurt, that it will take time, but she's getting there.

After that, the walk to the bank seemed almost worth it.

I deposited my check and stepped into Ross (now, because of a lack of walking distance to others, my favorite store) and purchased a wire wisk, mixing bowl set complete with measuring cups and spoons, Soft Baked chocolate chip cookies for Adam, Milano double chocolate cookies for myself, and spiced Tofu Salad from the coffee shop down the street.

Today has so far been very productive. Without the ever so happenings of wailing my arms in the air and actually accomplishing Nothing.

Box Of Moonlight

A few nights ago we saw the kind of movie that makes you feel guilty and grateful. Do you know what I mean? The sort that makes you (atleast momentarily) acknowledge that you are lucky, that things are good, or at least that you are not so terribly unlucky, and that things could certainly be a lot worse. My eyes left the screen with my head politely, shamefully bowed, and talked online about my plans to make amends, to be less whiney and more appreciative.

Hours or minutes later, though, and all of that business is right out the window, I'm right back to where I started, feeling sorry for myself about things that are probably not so bad, feeling inconsolable despite the fact that the most urgent of these issues have deadlines, and that they will consequently evaporate in a matter of weeks. Why is it so hard to hang onto that feeling of gratitude, anyway, I mean, why is it so necessary but exhausting to try to keep inside of you?

Once again I drift and melt back into the "I Need A Friend" fiasco of May, June, July, 2005.

Although, for the most part, I find myself walking around level headed and confident, without needing anybody to walk with.

I find myself enjoying my solitude. And so I guess I am maybe and possibly just used to wanting a friend, without actually wanting one.

Well, I'm glad I've solved that. On to the next:

Adam and I just made fries. I should have taken pictures of him peeling the potatoes and getting very in touch with his Irish heritage. Also, no matter how many times I've washed my hands, they still smell like Crisco, which I'm finding out is not such a terrible smell.