Removed

I need to ease back into flow instead of removing myself completely and watching the mess as it builds and buckles from a distance. Hollow faced me tracing the tracks with my fingertip in the air and the vectors' arrows can't fire way up here. Only smoke, residue, and eyes for mirrors...until I wipe away these reflectors.

Catching A Z

Sometimes I forget to breathe. I need a place to rest my head. I just want to lie down for a long time and dream.
And pretend that its real.

I don't feel tired. But I cut the logic out of my brain and I'm out of my mind.

It's like epileptic hell.

Slipping

Sometimes the option of disappearing doesn't seem that terrible. Broken family. Life stressed. Money streched. And my father leaving the day after tomorrow and nowhere to sleep comfortably in this apartment. What's in my head is "I hate everyone" even though I know it's just a cathartic mantra that really just perpetuates the phrase; anchoring it in completely without my knowing.

Still, at 17, I'm still very much afraid of footsteps and wrong mannerisms and words and filters filtering filters confused in front of family. Overload. The tears are in starting position. Whatever you did to me as a child, it's still very much with me even though you didn't intend it to. Even though you didn't intend for me to grow up.

Maybe later, things'll be better. I can't. Hardly, anymore.