Friday, March 30, 2012

When You Go Away, I Go Away, Too.

The dreams are resurfacing. Yesterday, during an afternoon nap, I dreamt that I was merrily cutting cheeks, like carving the tops out of pumpkins. I woke up with a stomach ache.

At least my dreams aren’t about having a baby die and rot inside of my uterus anymore.

I’ve been feeling terribly lonely lately. It might be the culprit for such strange dreams. I crave stimulus and conversation as strongly as I would hunger for food. Feeling the baby hiccup inside of me and push out (almost as if to escape) is my company and unfortunately, it’s no company at all. Just a rumbling stomach that moves every now and again.

I've felt my emotions in short, high waves over the last few days, the spectrum mostly negative; cresting in sobs, tip-toeing in numb trances.

I like to analyze my brain and emotional highway as a means to solving an elaborate problem. I theorize that the cure for loneliness is to be completely alone, so as to avoid the phantom ache of one who should be there, but isn't.

I am 26 weeks and 3 days pregnant today. The baby thinks it is funny (or probably doesn’t realize what he is doing) to kick at my rib cage. This is the equivalent of a knife tip breaking and being lodged beneath my ribs. It can no longer injure me, but I feel it when I breathe.