Friday, March 30, 2012

When You Go Away, I Go Away, Too.

The dreams are resurfacing. Yesterday, during an afternoon nap, I dreamt that I was merrily cutting cheeks, like carving the tops out of pumpkins. I woke up with a stomach ache.

At least my dreams aren’t about having a baby die and rot inside of my uterus anymore.

I’ve been feeling terribly lonely lately. It might be the culprit for such strange dreams. I crave stimulus and conversation as strongly as I would hunger for food. Feeling the baby hiccup inside of me and push out (almost as if to escape) is my company and unfortunately, it’s no company at all. Just a rumbling stomach that moves every now and again.

I've felt my emotions in short, high waves over the last few days, the spectrum mostly negative; cresting in sobs, tip-toeing in numb trances.

I like to analyze my brain and emotional highway as a means to solving an elaborate problem. I theorize that the cure for loneliness is to be completely alone, so as to avoid the phantom ache of one who should be there, but isn't.

I am 26 weeks and 3 days pregnant today. The baby thinks it is funny (or probably doesn’t realize what he is doing) to kick at my rib cage. This is the equivalent of a knife tip breaking and being lodged beneath my ribs. It can no longer injure me, but I feel it when I breathe.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The Way To My Heart

Music and literature have always been very important to me. The closest relationships I've had were with songs and books. I have a large collection of both. So large, in fact, that it is almost an annoyance to some. I used to say that I wanted to be buried with them, but now that I am going to have a baby I'd like to just pass them on to my kid (or kids).

I grew up with CCR, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath and Jimi Hendrix playing in my house, among others. My dad taught me to love the talent of musicians, not just the music, and it opened a new world to me. I've taken several music history classes, read several biographies, and have collected and listened to several thousands of records on repeat.

I've probably read over a thousand books in my lifetime, and have written over 100 poems and haikus, not to mention this journal that I've been writing in since 2001. I am an English major. I have a love affair with every story I read.

So here's to reading aloud and playing music to my unborn child.

Listening to Tom Waits with his daddy.