I don't know. I've usually very little to say in public because I'm dwelling on some saturated notion, or I'm thinking about what I'd like to do, or what I would say if I didn't feel stupid for saying it. But right now, I'm not thinking any of those things in public. I'm really desperately outside myself.
Lately, I've felt hard; I don't need anything. In actuality, I feel a gape, and an abstracted, frustrated desire to love people. Man, I want to love people, but forgive me when I say that I find people generally hard to love. I know, but please take into account my core, which is unfailing insecurity. It takes the wind from the sails of my god-given graciousness. And I do love people anyways. In this, I am confident.
But sometimes I wonder if I'm nothing other than a sounding post. In my lower moments I believe that's my purpose and what I'm here to offer. No other suppositions surface. I feel plainly servicable, but practically valueless. I hope it will pass. I hope I will become charming and talented soon.
But I level with the idea that maybe I've just been stupid all along. I don't want to believe this, but...
Whatever the case, this is my current adult mental status. Not only have I not improved, but I've actually deteriorated into what sometimes feels like a shake of senility and permanent drowsiness. I don't quite know what to do.
And, maybe I shouldn't feel so bad, comparing myself to others who love readily. Maybe it is just a matter of semantics- the way we drop the word love. Or just how far we are willing to go to make acquaintances feel loved, even if love isn't what we actually have for them. I'm sure i've done it before; attemps to save face frolicking as common good-will towards men. I feel like a bad person, with no interesting qualifiers to make me worth it.
Here are some cupcakes to liven up the morning!
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 t. baking soda
1/2 t. baking powder
1/4 t. salt
1/3 cup extra-virgin olive oil
1 cup soy or almond milk
3/4 cup white granulated sugar
1/4 cup and 1 T. lemon juice
Lemon zest from 1 lemon
Preheat the oven to 350 F. Line a 12-cup muffin tin with cupcake liners and set aside.
In a medium-sized mixing bowl, sift together the flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt. Set aside. In another large mixing bowl, whisk together the olive oil, soy milk (or almond milk, if using), sugar, lemon juice and lemon zest. Add the dry ingredients to the wet, mixing until just combined.
Fill each cupcake liner about 3/4 full and bake until a toothpick inserted into the center of the cupcakes emerges clean, about 18-20 minutes. Allow cupcakes to cool completely before frosting with the following raspberry frosting:
2 cups powdered sugar
1 pinch of salt
1/4 cup fresh raspberries, crushed
2 teaspoons lemon juice
In a large bowl, stir together the powdered sugar, salt and crushed raspberries.
Add lemon juice until spreading consistency is reached.