Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Orcs and Firemen... and Richard Carnes

So I've been awake for quite some time and (even though I was interrupted during the half-time mark to run an errand IN THE RAIN!) finished watching The Lord of the Rings. I'm not an addict or anything but I've been seriously thinking about taking a page from the many wok-related-pun-bearing-aprons of Stephan Yan from the 80's hit cooking show, Wok With Yan. What do you think about several t-shirts, each one bearing a pun about Orcs on it? This is because, frankly, I hate Orcs and I have no bones with saying it. I'm just that kind of let-it-all-hang-out, pull-no-punches, speak-my-mind-about-Orcs kind of girl and I won't sit back and pretend I don't hate Orcs, because I do (hate Orcs). Here are some of the slogans I have already conjured up during my movie-watching, coffee-drinking, rain-listening-to morning:

- Orcs are dorks.

- I'd rather eat a fork than pork an Orc.

- If you're an Orc, you're a jork (read this one in a New Jersey accent and it makes more sense. Or maybe a Boston accent? Some dumb accent anyway).

- If Mork from Ork was an Orc, he'd suck.

- Hork on Orcs (with a big cartoon spit loogie on the shirt).

- Bork, Bork, I hate Orcs (with a picture of the Swedish Chef from the Muppets on the shirt)

I probably need to shorten some of those to a t-shirt sized phrase, but you get the idea.

Unrelatedly, but on the mind:

Yesterday afternoon I was watching Family Fued and I am not positive because I could have been crunching on a chip or slurping some pop or something at the second she said it, but I am pretty sure some lady got huge applause from the audience during that part where people introduce themselves and what they do, by saying she was the wife of a New York City firefighter. She was totally egging the crowd on with her hands too, in the universal "gimme applause!" thing where you put your palms upwards and sort of jiggle your fingers, you know that thing? I noticed while passing through the front room once (when some front room dweller was watching it - not me!) on an episode of Survivor there was some New York City fireman and there was this sort of painful requisite applause from everyone when he said that was his job. It makes me wonder, there must be some super frustrated firefighters in like, Iowa or whatever. You know they've all tried it out once or twice, they're at a party and someone asks what they do and they say, "I'm a Sioux City fireman!" and get ready for some serious applause and "woo!"-ing, but the people they're talking to just sort of look at them and say, "just say fireman, you ass". Maybe some of them figure it's a tough crowd and try again somewhere else and then give up.

Anyway, I've been watching Family Feud like some old fart broken down person and a year ago, the host was just "Al, from Home Improvement" to me and now, in all complete honesty, he is Richard Carnes, the guy who made a joke that I laughed outloud at. That's right, I laughed out loud at a joke by Richard Carnes, host of the Family Feud, how awesome/terrible is that?