Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Nature vs Werther's Original

It's been so long since I've really written anything of worth. It seems I've been saving my words for something more important than internet blogging - but really, these days, this is publishing.

Every decision I've been faced with as of late can be simplified into comfort vs. risk. I seem to be on the threshold of so many new things, if I was to make the conscious effort to do said things.

What will I wager, will I go there? Will my family still love me afterward? Will it fit with what is me, whoever that is?

I'd like to venture out to an old cottage on Lake Erie to just think and write my way out of these little conundrums. To have some real solitude, to let words form out of silence in the back of my mouth to tell me what it is I need to do. Instead of my nerves doing the talking.

This is not out of the realm of possiblity. Perhaps I should see how I can make this happen.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

milked

The buoyancy of my heart is suicide and I’m just sinking. Sinking, with neither ability nor interest to come up for air. Perhaps some ability, but lacking necessary will.

And this has nothing to do with anyone, outside myself. At least not this morning.

I leave the pages blank for so long because once they start filling up with words I’m always disappointed… or conflicted.

A woman walked into the hotel's lobby with a peeled orange, a third of it messily bitten off, its torn wet dark flesh shining in the florescent lights and I so desperately wanted a bite. When she left I could smell the spray of juice that must have misted in with the air around and I breathed it in, inhaling the loose particles of orange.

Partially in a state of a real thick awareness of my current surroundings and a state of feared nostalgia; this shift was hard to run through. Coffee. Licorice. Trying to avoid certain conversations (though I found myself constantly pondering how these conversations would flow out). Ghosts scare me just as much as they fascinate me. But they stop me dead in my tracks when they attack my sleeping state.

Sometimes, I just want to sleep.

Sometimes, I don't want to wake up at all.