Pervasive feelings of grief wash over me (missing my strength and friends and life)and I feel raw. The 'normal' has been rendered strange to me now (though at least the heartache has finally abated). I struggle to find words to write here to do any of it justice, my fingers sit uselessly on the keyboard as I stare with unfocused eyes at the rhythmic pulse of the cursor (it is the perfect silent metronome for my mute mental dance). There are no words for this volume of feeling, so many layers at once--there's a roaring cacophony in my subconscious that I can barely stand yet am unable to suppress.
Limited free-time, I've fallen into some void between 'there' and 'here' and 'past' and 'present'... I move out of sync and time with the world around me... I'm processing, having weird nightmares, crying easily, laughing nervously (though atleast laughing constantly), feeling lost in the midst of the familiar and alienated on a deep level which does not correspond to the physical reality of my life here.
(There is so much more to say and yet I don't know how to. such irony that in the country of my own language, words fail me utterly.)