Monday, December 4, 2006

There's A Hole In My Heart That Can Only Be Filled By You

The painstakingly well-preserved issues of Rolling Stone and Spin from the mid 90's that lined the bottom of the drawers of a dresser are now thrashed and trashed in a cardboard box, useless, but to be held as evidence. The very clear memory of reading interviews with Courtney Love which sooner or later would always come to the inevitable question of just how, exactly, her band got its name. She always attributed it to something her mother said once, chastising her during a phone conversation: You can't go walking around with this hole inside of you.

How odd is it to still remember that, to sometimes say it to myself, under my breath? It is not a matter of feeling empty, of feeling a need to be filled up, but the vague fear that maybe some holes can't be filled, maybe they just keep going and going.

The funny thing is that she changed her answer after awhile. Maybe she got bored or maybe she decided it wasn't quite a good enough story, but in later interviews she claimed that the band name was a reference to Medea. (Even though I'd read the tragedy I could never figure out the connection or the passage she was referring to.) Maybe she didn't think anyone would notice, but most likely she just didn't care. Maybe it was just nice to be able to give an answer that didn't reveal something quite so truthful.