Sunday, December 3, 2006

Nonsensical

This may be where it started: That fall of freshman year of highschool, with the best friend-to-be pulling me aside, asking me just what my problem was, why I was shutting up, holding back. There was something about her that I couldn't quite put my finger on, but it seemed best not to get too close or to trust too much. Why don't you like me, she had wanted to know during those first few weeks. I mumbled something about the fact that she scared me, reminded me of the sort of girl who'd read your journal when you weren't looking or steal the towel from your shower stall for a laugh.

At the time she was offended, and I was eventually convinced that I was being irrational. Neither of us hardly expected that I could possibly be psychic, that both of those things (and so many more) would actually come true. I hardly expected to get that close or to get that hurt, and to be ridiculous enough to try again as soon as the wounds had healed.

How do you know what is intuition and what is paranoia? I stopped listening to both awhile back and now I wonder if that's why I've gotten blind-sided so many times in the past year or so. Is instinct a "use it lose it" sort of thing, if you fail to take advantage of it, will it end up getting rusty or leaving you?

And once you realize it's missing, how do you get it back?