Thursday, June 8, 2006

Old Advice For New Problems

I'm caught in a dream and I cant get out
I'm caught in a dream
I'm caught in an endless dream

And I'm not strong enough to let you go,
And I have tried everything
...But that



It's so hard to admit it, but I'm weak. I'm a terrible mess. Nobody'd ever stop to think that this would have happened to me, but here I am, in an all too familiar situation for broken hearts. I'm not going to sit and ask why it's happening to me, I know why.

I was too quiet. Too expectant. I needed you to rescue me, but I never told you that. I assumed you should already have known, that when you looked at me, you would sense it and rush right over with a lolli pop and a trip to the park. I expected some romantic John Cusack film, because my friends all took care of me in that sense. They gave me the intimacy I wanted and needed, except with them it was friendly, not romantic.

But that was my problem. I assumed that you would know what to do, because most other people did. Simple gestures, simple simple simple... But you are not like most people. It's understood. Now that it's too late, it's understood.

What I should do is learn to be okay. The way that you are now. Not as hurt and not as broken. Is there some secret technique that I am not aware of? Were you pulled aside in high school and taught to hide emotions, or not feel any at all? Or is it simply because some people just aren't worth being sad for?

In any case, all of this depression has driven me to capture a cold, and so here I sit with a stuffy nose, raw throat, and heavy head.

When my brother was younger, and had been acting idiotically, my uncle would look at him sternly and ask him to swiftly jerk his head upward.

When I asked him why he was to do this, he explained that he needed to get his head out of his ass.

Though you can't see it, reader, this is me swiftly jerking my head upward.

Broken, shattered, and completely not myself,
agreentealeaf