Sometimes the option of disappearing doesn't seem that terrible. Broken family. Life stressed. Money streched. And my father leaving the day after tomorrow and nowhere to sleep comfortably in this apartment. What's in my head is "I hate everyone" even though I know it's just a cathartic mantra that really just perpetuates the phrase; anchoring it in completely without my knowing.
Still, at 17, I'm still very much afraid of footsteps and wrong mannerisms and words and filters filtering filters confused in front of family. Overload. The tears are in starting position. Whatever you did to me as a child, it's still very much with me even though you didn't intend it to. Even though you didn't intend for me to grow up.
Maybe later, things'll be better. I can't. Hardly, anymore.
Wednesday, December 25, 2002
I woke up at the sound of my little brother screaming 'Its Christmas! Its Christmas!' and proceeded to get ready in a record 90 seconds. Then I felt like shit the rest of the morning. Tired, not tired like 'I didn't get enough sleep tired,' but, 'Woke up too fast and never really emerged from mental bed,' tired. It really is ruining my day. And now I'll blow off the rest again and watch a depressing movie alone. I always feel somewhat sad when I watch movies by myself, when even my brother and mother turn down the offer to sit on the couch next to me and partake in quality audio-visual entertainment. I just walked in circles for five minutes in my kitchen, trying to find the aforementioned canned fruit. I looked again and again, even though, i knew exactly what I'd find in each shelf, in the cabinet, and drawer. I was caught in a loop of open-look-at-leftovers-from-christmas-dinner-close-refridgerator. I should probably go back to bed, but I want to watch this movie. And I have that highly irritating 'craving something but I dont know what' feeling that is nearly impossible to satiate. And as the perfect end to this perfect day, after all that fuss the vcr has once again failed me, producing a beautiful blue background for the sound of the movie. [Secretly I wanted that to happen - an excuse to go to my room and not feel bad about setting up yet another movie I didnt watch. My intelligence is further degraded by the fact that I dismissed a really good french movie I bought a while ago for Mary-Kate and Ashley's Holiday In The Sun.]